19 Feb 10 horrible Twitter tips.
I helped a lot of people a few weeks ago with my post, “10 horrible blogging tips.”
I don’t like to use the phrase “life changing” but there it is. Seeing the response, that in a lot of ways was global in nature, I thought it might be good to give you some tips on how to be horrible at Twitter as well. You’re welcome.
10 horrible Twitter tips.
1. When someone follows you, send them an automatic direct message that asks them to do other things as well. Tell them to follow you on Facebook, read your blog, take care of your yellow lab when you go away for the weekend, etc. People love this kind of thing.
2. Retweet compliments about yourself constantly. Could you just reply with “thanks?” Sure. But where’s the fun in that? Instead, retweet their whole statement and then add thanks at the end. How else will people know you’re amazing?
3. Don’t have a shirt on in your profile photo. This one is strictly for the guys out there. You want to establish immediately that yes, I do life bro.
4. Ask people you like incredibly vague questions like, “Any advice on starting a business?” If they can’t summarize starting a business in a 140 character response, they are dumb.
5. Complain to people who don’t ever respond to you. Nothing makes someone want to engage in an online conversation like shame.
6. Click on a suspicious url, give them your twitter password, spam all your friends and then claim, “I was hacked,” as if you were asleep while a hacker in Kosovo broke into your Twitter account.
7. Use the phrase “Please RT!” as punctuation for everything you tweet.
8. ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME. IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY EXPRESS YOURSELF.
9. Tweet a link 19 times per blog post you write.
10. When someone makes an honest complaint about their life, respond with #firstworldproblems, when they share something they are excited about, respond with #humblebrag.
You might notice I left off, the “public unfollow.” That’s when you publicly announce you are unfollowing someone. I left it off because it’s so stupid that I think people stopped doing it. If you still do though, bully for you!
What horrible tip would you add?