If you’re not familiar with the song, “Christmas Shoes,” then enjoy this ornament we have on our tree, give a short thank you prayer to our Lord and Savior and skip this post all together. That’s a pretty charmed life you’re living friend. Savor it.
If, though, you have experienced the melodic tale of the boy who wants to buy shoes for his dying mother because he wants her to look nice when she meets Jesus, I have some good news for you.
Here are the 5 best ways to survive, “Christmas Shoes.”
1. If it comes on the radio while you are riding in a car, don’t forget to tuck your shoulder when you open the door to roll out into the street. If you can, try to time your roll when the car is going slowly and let your back take the brunt of the landing. If you’re driving, this is still valid advice. Your car might ghost ride for a little while, but you can always buy a new one. You can’t always unhear this song.
2. Don’t try to negotiate with it. Much like fear, the Christmas Shoes song cannot be beat with logic or rational thinking. Don’t waste time with questions like, “Where is this kid’s dad? Does he have a dad? Why shoes? Why not a Christmas dress? Why not a delicious bowl of queso? Why not a copy of Do Over (now in paperback!), maybe that kid could help two families at once, his and mine? Has an 8 year old ever successfully purchased a women’s shoe in the history of mankind?”
3. Forget trying to make it an “acquired taste.” This song isn’t like algebra, it doesn’t get better once you get used to it. Don’t think that listening to it on repeat will solve your problems. The only way this song could be worse is if they pandered to the troops too. “Sir, I want to buy these shoes, I just came back from Afghanistan. Bald eagles!”
4. Keep it out of any Christmas playlist. I know what you’re thinking, “Jon, I’ll just hide it in the middle of a 100-song playlist. No one at the party will notice.” They will and so will you when you notice people are leaving your party.
5. Stop being friends with people who say it’s not a bad song. They’re wrong. Those people have terrible judgment and probably prefer unfrosted pop tarts as well. Stop doing life with them.
We’ll get through this friend, I know we will, but it’s going to take a village.
What is your best tip to survive Christmas Shoes?