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Do you have a terrified Cinderella rug I could buy?

Cinderella

Designer:
I’m making the designs for that new Cinderella rug. Are we doing the standard smile?

Client:
No, I’ve got a new idea. I don’t want a smile. I want a slightly concerned frown. Like one of those moments on the Bachelor when the guy says something really dumb and the contestants are trying to pretend he didn’t? I want Cinderella’s mouth to say, “What did I get myself into? I barely know this guy. I decided to marry him after one dance? Who does that? That’s how marriages start on the Jersey Shore. I only know two things about this guy: He’s good at dancing and he has my shoe. Is this really who I want raising my children?” Can you make the smile look like that?

Designer:
I think so. We call it the “old turkey” in the design industry. It’s the look you make when you smell old turkey in your fridge and you can’t remember when you bought it. You really want a turkey sandwich but you’re perched on the razor’s edge of food poisoning. Is the turkey still good? Does turkey always smell this gross and you’ve just never noticed? You’d call your wife and ask her but she’s super tired of you calling her in the middle of the day with turkey-related questions, so instead you just scrunch up your face and say “ehhhhh.”

Client:
Perfect. And for the eyes, I want her cutting them to the side trying to get the attention of a friend who can save her from a bad date. She met the guy on Tinder and he’s committed a significant amount of “Face Fraud.”

Designer:
What’s that?

Client:
Face Fraud is when you use a photo from 5 years or older as your profile pic. You find your best photo and post it regardless of if it looks like you anymore. Anyway, she’s on this date with this guy from Tinder and she regrets it. The guy didn’t mention how many ferrets he owns and he owns a lot. He won’t stop talking about them and keeps saying, “They really don’t smell once you get to know them.” But that’s a lie. And she knows it, Cinderella knows it. She just saw Belle walk into the bar and she’s hoping that if she can cut her eyes and express enough panic/terror in them, Belle will come over and help her escape the date. But Belle is busy talking to a cup and a plate so it’s a real challenge. She’s cutting those eyes, just hoping. Can you do that look?

Designer:
Definitely.

Client:
Great. This is going to be one amazing rug.

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Jon Acuff
Jon Acuff

9 Comments

  1. Carol

    OH.MY.GOODNESS! That face!

  2. KC

    I don’t know where this is going, but it made me laugh. Thanks, Jon. 🙂

  3. Anne Acuff

    You really ought to hook up with David at Disney…between the two of you, you could really rock Walt’s world!!! You make me laugh so hard!!!

  4. Jason

    “They really don’t smell once you get to know them.”

    Does Ferret Guy also produce kale? Perhaps is is the Marketing Director for the National Kale Growers Association? Sounds like a familiar promotional refrain to me.

    Great stuff this morning. Thanks for the laughs!

  5. Demi

    This post made me totally lifeless at work from laughing so hard… Go ahead and pack up my stuff… Im done for the day. 😂😂😂

  6. Maggie Fincher

    You know what they say, “A picture is worth 443 words”. Well, that’s kind of what they say:)

  7. I first received this post via email where the picture wasn’t displayed. Of course, without the picture it made no sense. I thought, “Has Jon lost his mind? Where’s this going? Is the Cinderella quilt some type of strange life metaphor?”

    I then visited Jon’s website to see if I was missing some sort of inside joke. Alas, a picture of a terrified Cinderella quilt greeted me. All makes sense now. Note to self: always hit “show images” on Acuff’s emails before attempting to interpret as allegory.

  8. Oh sweet fancy baby Moses, that is SO hilarious. Thanks, Jon, for well….being Jon. PERFECT.

  9. You have a moment when you’re about to respond to something and then you think is this person creating some sort of social experiment I’m having one of those moments right now.
    John, I think your wife was right. 😉